Writing

Even from a very young age, I had the dream of writing a novel and publishing it.  Since elementary school I've written stories.  My teachers always lauded me for my creativity and desire for using simple spelling words and weaving them into a story.  It seemed that they derived some pleasure from my little stories.

Unfortunately, those little stories were the only ones I ever finished.  As I learned to use the computer and type up stories I would be struck with inspiration that would lead me to spend most of my free time writing.  Then in the midst of one idea I would catch hold of another one and abandon the first.  This was the cycle with which I have struggled with for many years.  6 years ago I began a rather epic story and I stuck with it for quite some time and whenever I'd have another idea surface I'd stop writing altogether in the hopes that it would go away.  Sadly, this is the reason I haven't written anything in the last 3 years.

I have had many inspiring thoughts to begin anew with my writings, but I am almost fearful of being doomed to repeat the cycle.  I do not want to invest myself in the characters and then throw them by the wayside because another interesting thought or idea comes along.

So now, I am left with a burning passion to write and a great fear of failing in doing so.  What should I do, I wonder?  I have decided that it would be better to fail in doing so than to not do so at all.  There have been people in my past who have read my work and demanded me write more because they had to find out what happened next.  There have been those critics that have basically told me my writing is crap and my form is all wrong.  Clearly there is something for me to be done.  I can basically thrill and put off people with my work.  It's actually a rather amusing thought.

I begin then with something new.  I will walk the path towards my dream.  

Vision without action is just a dream. Action without vision just passes the time. Vision with action can change the world. --Joel Barker

Just Breathe

I have been following through with my intention.  Last night I spend a glorious amount of time immersing myself in reading for pleasure.  It has been so long since I've been able to just sit and read with no other purpose in mind other than for me.  I got to connect and check in for myself.

Sometimes we take the concept of "me time" for granted.  We truly do need to check in with ourselves and just let everything else go.  There's always something on the To-Do list.  It can wait.  There's always deadlines. So plan ahead.  I'm feeling overwhelmed.  Slow down.  I think the latter is the hardest for me to do.  It is then that I turn towards the one influence that I can listen to.  He always knows what to say and how to get me to re-center and focus myself.  I am thankful to him; he always listens to me even when I screech, moan, groan and gripe.  Thank you.  You know who you are.

I'm not much of a planner either.  My life has always been a more spontaneous affair.  I love to tell myself, "I'm just going to get up and do this today."  So when things get to be very structured and planned out, I have a tendency to feel uncomfortable and then I don't schedule the important me-time.  I see the merit of planning, but I need to schedule the spontaneous me-time in there somewhere.

Tonight I checked in to my personal yoga practice.  It was 30 minutes of pure heaven as I turned inward.  I was able to focus on my breath tonight.  I had some light music playing which helped me flow into my poses naturally.  I found myself wanting to strive for feeling every breath, every movement.  I wanted to grip the mat and just be.  It was bliss.  There were no deadlines, no to-do's, no have to's or need to's.  It was just me--my breath, my heart, my soul.

“Quiet the mind, and the soul will speak.”

― Ma Jaya Sati Bhagavati, The 11 Karmic Spaces: Choosing Freedom from the Patterns That Bind You

Focus

Well, it's a brand new year and we're already 20 days into it.  Doesn't it feel like the New Year was so long ago?  I think that may be because I'm so focused on keeping up with work and school that I've lost focus on the important things like what I'm doing with myself.

Have you ever had the sudden realization that too much focus is a bad thing?  I've lost sight of some of the things that are important to me and who I am.  Mainly, I've lost sight of myself.  For the last few weeks I've been pouring myself into my job and the children that I teach.  There has been a lot of changes happening at work that have caused me to be concerned that I am not doing enough.  So what did I do?  I immersed myself into work 100%.  It wasn't until recently that I realized that by doing so I've been eating more, eating more processed foods, exercising less and even meditating less.

Even more, I've forgotten to immerse myself in the things that I love to do -- creative things.  I haven't done any drawings or paintings.  I haven't written anything for recreation in I don't know how long.  I don't read books for pleasure.  I don't play the flute anymore, which I was so excited about when I had the opportunity to be a part of a band.  I haven't done yoga since I came back from vacation and yoga has been a huge part of my reformation a long time ago; it is a part of my life, but that part of me has been on hiatus as of late.

Now, with the recent addition of class to my list of things to do, I'm afraid.  I worry that I won't have any time to do the things that are restorative and healing for me. This also includes spending time with friends.  Sometimes I feel like I get so caught up in the things I HAVE to do that I neglect the things I NEED to do.  It's part of the reason I shy away from going back to the band that I was a part of.  It was fun to participate in a group like that.  It was fun to play the flute again and have a purpose for it.  However, it put stress on the fragile schedule that I had to maintain as practicing the music was important so too are lesson plans, documentation on children and class work.

So, my intention after all of this is:

Be present in the moment and show up for myself.

"Where are you going? What are you afraid of? Cross the bridge and take the risk." -- Pepita Mardeusz