Self-Esteem

     I read an interesting article on Yahoo regarding self-esteem and women.  In the article, the author describes how her own mother would complain about how big her nose was and yet as a child the author saw her mom as a beautiful "hottie".  Recently, I read a different article on thinning hair in women.  I have suffered with thin hair most of my life.  Part of it could be from a childhood activity I used to perform to gain attention from my family--the rugrat!  (Don't ask!)  The rest of it could simply be a result of heredity.  My hair has always been a source of concern of mine.  After reading this article though, I realized that even those celebrities that play fictional characters have their issues with thin hair.  They just happen to have the money to afford solutions to "fix" the problems.

     So why do we compare ourselves to others?  We are beautiful in our own right!  Every one of us is loved by someone.  Recently, a friend of mine explained that when she puts herself down, her boyfriend told her that it is a complete turn off.  Another friend of mine said that when she verbally bashed herself, her boyfriend said to her, "Do you realize what that says about me?  I love you for you."

    Our self-esteem effects others around us.  Imagine for a moment that you are looking at yourself in the mirror and you tug on a muffin top and say, "God I'm so fat and ugly!"  What you don't realize is that 4 or 5 year old daughter is observing you.  What message are you sending her then when you tell her that she's beautiful?  She is of your flesh and blood.  Your wrinkles, stretchmarks, sagging boobs and thinning hair will be hers someday.  What are you going to teach her?

     The same can be said for the sons of humanity.  Men have self-esteem issues as well.  We're always promoting the images of hot, sexy young men.  So what happens to them when they aren't that ideal?  They have negative self-talk just like women (they're just more careful about who they say it around). So what can we do?

     Curb the negative self-talk.  Instead, focus on the positive.  Notice what makes you, you.  Enjoy the things that your body can do; practice yoga, work out, go for a walk, or meditate.  Think of who loves you and why they do.  Think about who watches you and what effects that you have on them.  Just be.

Music

 

It feels good to be able to play again.  This one's for you Dad!  :)  For always encouraging me to stay with my music.  

I've come a long way

Sometimes you have to give yourself credit.  It's hard to do that when life throws you curve balls from every direction.  Lately, I've been thinking about all the accomplishments I've made in the last couple of years.  One of the biggest and most noticeable is my weight loss. 

 

This is me in 2006.  I weighed in at 214 lbs.  

 

This is me in March of 2012.  I weighed in at 152 lbs.  Currently, I weigh 147 lbs.!  I am amazed at my transformation.  When I look at myself I realize how much I have changed for the better.  It's sometimes hard to believe that I was so large at one point in my life.  I've been purging all the clothes that are too big and I've been thrift store shopping to find new sizes.  In 2006, I wore a size 20.  Today, I wear a size 8!  That's 12 sizes smaller!!  It's an incredible transformation that I've undergone and it's all been completely natural and healthy.  

I have to say, Ohio has been a great help.  I feel more energized and willing to go outdoors and play or just go for a walk.  Yes, even with the humid, hot temperatures.  I'm very proud of myself.  

And as a side note, I love my family!  :)  They are the most awesome people!  I hope they know that I miss them everyday.

The Inner Child

When was the last time you got on a swing, or played in the mud?  We are often so busy that we forget about the simple things that used to put a smile on our faces.  Today, I was reminded of that fact when I went for a ride around the neighborhood on my bike.  It was like I was suddenly transported to a moment in my childhood!  The euphoria (or the endorphins) just made me relive that moment when I was first able to ride around the neighborhood back in California on my first bike.  It didn't matter that I was 2000 miles away from that neighborhood in a completely new one.  It didn't matter that I was 20 years older or that I was a little out of practice; the simple feeling of being free was still there.  It was as if it had been waiting for me all this time.

I enjoyed exploring the new neighborhood.  I saw that children were out riding bikes and fighting (playfully) amongst one another.  There were people out sitting on their porches enjoying the last gasp of daylight.  There were others who were mowing their lawn before the next rainfall.  The birds sang their songs hidden amid the green trees.  The soft fragrant scent of flowers and the spicy woodsy scent of barbecue wafted past me a few times.  I felt great.  So why did it take so long to find this out? 

Today was a great day to be sure.  I made my very first cloak for someone and that was very exciting.  I discovered that I'm wearing a size 8/9 pants as I browsed through the thrift store.  But when I got home I realized I was bored.  I played video games for a little bit, but that wasn't very satisfying.  I then looked outside and realized that I still had daylight to burn so I got on my bike and took off.  Normally, I'd stay pretty close to home, but the thrill of exploration and discovery thrummed through my veins.  And it was exhilarating to go down a road and not know where it will lead me. 

Perhaps that is what the average adult life is missing; the thrill of adventure.  To children, the thrill of adventure lurks everyday somewhere.  There is so much about the world that they do not yet know.  As adults, we have certainly not learned everything that there is to know, but we stop searching for new things.  The passion for learning and discovery wanes -- we're too tired for it.  It probably doesn't help that we can park ourselves in front of the computer and google everything.  (That doesn't count!) 

So what can we do?  Try something new, try something old (say, something you haven't done in years), or try something that scares you.  Life is too short. 

 

This was the beautiful sunset I saw last night.  :)

I still got it...even 15 some odd years later!

It's still committed to memory!  :)  Ahhhh, I can still smell the field! 

Calming of the Mind

It occurs to me that stress occupies an inordinate amount of time in one's life.  Today was no exception for me.  I was under a great deal of pressure at work while trying to mentally balance all the other aspects of my life.  By the end of the day, I was mentally exhausted!  (Children are exceptionally adept at being able to find and push one's buttons!  Darn them and their constant experiments on me!)

I decided that I needed a drink.  Not just any drink; I decided I wanted to drink in some natural sunlight and soak up some nature!  I went to John Bryan park in Yellow Springs.  It was the perfect day for just such a jaunt.  It's amazing because I was driving 60 miles per hour and blaring my music on the way there.  It was like I just couldn't wait to get there.  (Probably because I couldn't!)  About halfway there, I turned off the music and rolled the windows down.  I realized the music was not helping; if nothing else it was keying me up even more.  So I just let the wind wash over me as I created my very own wind tunnel.  At 60 mph, you'd be surprised at the kinds of scents that waft by!  I smelled flowers, freshly cut grass, and moisture in the air. 

I realized that I was already beginning to relax the closer I came to my destination.  I suddenly became conscious of how beautiful everything was--and also that I was able to navigate to my destination without my trusty TomTom!  That was a nice pat on the back!

Once I reached John Bryan Park, I began my trek into the woods.  I brought my trusty camera to take some snapshots of the beauty that now enveloped me.  It was like Mother Nature was wrapping her arms around me and telling me that everything was going to be okay.  I stopped and just observed.  The river was more swollen than the last time I was there.  I could hear the cacophony of birds all around me.  It was like the stress was melting away with each step or blink of my eyes!

Tadpole! (Note: I don't know why it's rotated like this; the original isn't)

The River

Canadian Geese

Wildflowers

More wildflowers

Beauty & the Beast

I got to be privy to some great moments with nature.  I discovered tadpoles flagellating about along the river bank.  I observed two Canadian Geese hanging out for the evening in the river.  I heard strange splashing coming from the river as I traversed the length of it and discovered a school of carp floundering about!  Imagine my surprise as I heard a loud whoosh as a turkey vulture descended and then glided through the trees.  I saw butterflies and spiders.  I have to say I was impressed that my senses were present enough in the moment to discover a spider reclining beneath a leaf of a sapling, but much to my surprise that was not all that lay there with the arachnid; it was supping on a cabbage butterfly!  Then I observed a tiny spider just chillin' in the center of it's magnificent web.  (I have discovered that I can appreciate spiders and even like them when they're in their own habitat and not mine!)

A simple walk in the woods; a totally affordable form of therapy!  I realized as I was headed home, I wasn't driving faster than 50 mph and I felt great!  So long stress!  :)

Presence

Recently, I have gotten up before sunrise to experience an early Ohio morning.  It was quite the experience to take a walk up the street and hear the cacophony of birds chirping their morning songs to each other.  I began to wonder what it was that they were chattering about.  It was interesting because when one is truly present in a moment, the things that you can perceive are incredible.  You can actually differentiate the different species of birds!  I'm not sure who was who (it's hard to see when things are still rather dark), but it was obvious there were different voices in the cacophony!

The air was cool and crisp.  I find it invigorating to walk at that hour of the morning and experience a part of the day that so few people are privy to.  Now, I enjoy my sleep; don't get me wrong, but I also enjoy the serenity that accompanies a fresh and newly awakening day!  It is truly a sight, sound, feeling and scent to behold!  I say scent, because the morning has a certain fragrance about it.  It is a sweet purity that clings to the morning air.  It fills you with a sense of tranquility and peace, which is nice at the beginning of the day.  (I often need that to move through the restless hustle of a preschool day!)

Presence means to be fully aware and immerse one's self in the moment.  How often do we allow ourselves the opportunity?  In our daily lives there are so many demands--work, school, children, family...the list could go on, but I choose to name but a few.  I challenge myself to allow myself the simple pleasure of presence at least three times during my day--once in the morning, once in the afternoon and once in the evening.  I challenge you to try it too!  See how much more you can appreciate in one day!

Sunrise - Cuyahoga Falls, OH 2009

Community

A community to most people is an area with which a large group of people live, work and spend their leisure time together.  Have we really ever thought of the fact that a community could contain more than just ourselves?  I think of my community as a multi-species community.  This is a concept I picked up from the book: The Nature Principle by Richard Louv.

The idea that our community is shared by squirrels, bees, stray cats and dogs, bees, etc. makes you look at things a little bit differently.  I have noticed that since I have shifted my perspective, I don't feel alone.  I look forward to coming home to my cat, Naboo, my fern, Fernie and the flock of sparrows that frequent my bird feeder outside on my patio.  (Yes, I named my fern!) My community is growing by the day.  In fact, today I've spotted some mourning doves and a squirrel partaking in the goodies I left outdoors today.

I feel as though I'm a part of something much bigger and much more important.  When my bird feeder goes empty, it's important that I refill it.  The birds who frequent it depend on it.  I must consider the weather and whether or not it will be too frigid for my Fernie.  The things that I care for also care for me, in turn.  The birds who frequent the feeder bring me enjoyment and excitement.  I also feel connected to them.  I look forward to their daily arrival in the morning and evening hours.  Fernie provides me with fresh air to breathe and an aesthetically pleasing environment on my patio (and in my home on cold days).  This is to say nothing of my companion Naboo!  He is at the center of my world.  He makes me laugh, cry and relax all at the same time sometimes.  Silly boy!  I think I am the center of his world too.

I enjoy my multi-species community.  I feel connected and that is an amazing thing.  I love my world!  :)

Spring

Today, I think I will immerse myself in nature.  I am reading a book called, The Nature Principle: Human Restoration and the end of Nature-Deficit Disorder by Richard Louv.  It was chance that I went through the library's e-reader books and discovered it.  I know that I have to be connected to nature to flourish.  It is something that I have discovered about myself many years ago.

I remember times when I would go to my grandparent's house in Green Valley, CA and walk amid the trees and feel completely at ease.  I loved the trees there.  I'd spend hours in the dried up creek across the street from their house and marvel at how large those red ants were in comparison to the tiny little black ants back in Canoga Park.  (Those little suckers packed a mean bite too!)  That place is a little slice of heaven in an urban sprawl.  Waking up in the morning and hearing the birds chirping outside my window was amazing!  Going to sleep in the summer and hearing the crickets chirping and the frogs croaking was the nicest lullaby.

My best friend (whom for privacy's sake we'll name as Lily), introduced me to this hiking trail in Porter Ranch.  It was a little place I could retreat to from the rush hours of urban life (which seemed to be all day).  I had never known there to be a creek in the valley, but there it was.  I used to pause and listen to the sound.  I love the sound of running water.  It always brought back the days of camping at Tufts Campground near Bishop.  Those trips were something else and probably the best experience any child could have!

Now I live in Ohio.  There is a plethora of nature here that is quite different from California.  The woods...oh how I adore the woods here!  It was nice to know that I didn't have to drive 5 or 6 hours to get to the woods.  (Don't think that I didn't appreciate the oak forests, but there's something to be said about walking through the woods and not having prickly dry, dead leaves stick to your socks, get into your shoes or scratch up your ankles!)  The birds...I can hear that sound every morning just like at my grandparent's house.  It evokes a wonderful feeling that I cannot describe, but I can say that I feel as if my grandparents are here with me.

Yesterday, I went for a walk in the woods and I collected wildflowers to create a beautiful flower arrangement for my home.  This was a new experience for me.  One that I would do again.  There is something to be said about picking flowers.  Perhaps I felt like our ancestors who would go and pick flowers for recreation, and respected Nature for her gifts.

Spring begins.  The world begins anew.  Perhaps it's time to turn over a new leaf and observe, respect and immerse ourselves in our world and disconnect ourselves for a little while from the wires of technology and the hustle and bustle of busy human life to appreciate our multispecies community.

Simple little things

We're often so busy with the things we have to do that we forget about the simple little pleasures in life. 

I think that's part of the reason I moved to Ohio.  Life slows down out here more so in the city of Los Angeles.  I can stop and smell the flowers more readily here.  I have noticed that the trees are budding and each day they continue just a tiny bit more.  How many people actually notice them?  How many of the simple little things are we missing each day? 

Yesterday, I opened the windows to my apartment and let the stale winter air out and let some fresh winter/spring air in.  I watched the sheer curtains as they flowed ethereally with the breeze.  It was quite amazing, really.  I didn't spend my whole night doing that, but just a moment.  Then there was the soft delicate flickering of my candles.  The flames are so rhythmic and entrancing when you really take the time to observe them. 

When I take a moment to be present in the moment and enjoy life's simple pleasures, I feel happy and content despite the other things that may be going on in my life.

Precious Time

Sometimes it's prudent to take a moment for yourself.  I discovered that.  Through the manic hustle and bustle of a preschool classroom, I found little moments that I took for what they were--gems among the tumultuous sea.  It's the simple things after all that satisfy our vital needs.  What are your vital needs?  Most people probably don't have a clue as to what they could be.  They're often too busy to even sit down and think of what it is that they need.  That is what it means to take a moment for yourself. 

So, there I was today on my lunch break.  I was faced with the opportunity to sit in the staff lounge and recline for a little, or I could go out and enjoy the warmth that the sunshine brought.  I chose to walk in the woods, knowing that it would help to meet a few of my vital needs.  A simple walk in the woods helped me meet at least 3 of them.  I can tell you, that no matter what happened the rest of the day, I was settled.  I walked in the bright sunshine surrounded by the beauty of nature that was slowly bursting into life!  I took a moment and sat on a log that created a bridge over the creek.  My fingertips studied the texture of the rough bark.  I took my shoes off and placed my feet into the frigid waters.  It was so amazing!  A simple moment, all for me.  I love myself!